


It Isn't Paradise Without You

by princeofotps



Series: Newtmas One Shots [5]
Category: The Maze Runner (2014), The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types, The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Blow Jobs, Death, Diary/Journal, First Crush, First Kiss, First Time Blow Jobs, Happy Ending, Kissing, M/M, Paradise, Smut, Suicide, hullucinations, newts ghost, sad Thomas, thomas sees newts ghost, thomas' journal, together again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-22
Updated: 2015-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-31 16:02:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3984172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princeofotps/pseuds/princeofotps
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After what Thomas did to the boy he loves, how could he possibly forgive himself? Newt, or what he believes to be Newt’s ghost comforts him, but that doesn’t take away the hurt. All he wants is to be with Newt again. To tell him he loves him, and hope that Newt feels the same way.</p><p>Please read warnings!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Why Did It Have To Be You?

Wicked has taken everything from Thomas. His hope, his ability to trust in the other gladers, his memories and the boy he loves. Except Wicked didn’t take Newt from him, Thomas himself did. The brunette spends his days in paradise in a blur, simply on autopilot. He could never build up the courage to tell the others what he did, especially not Minho. Thomas is certain Minho would never forgive him, not after killing his best friend.

When they made it to paradise only three weeks ago the others quickly started to adapt. They each share a wood built hut with three other gladers, it being divided into three separate sections. Thomas is thankful for this. The walls between them as well as muffling his cries with fabric means nobody can hear the aftermath of flashbacks and nightmares.

He wakes most nights sweaty and distraught. Newt, or what he believes to be Newt’s ghost comforts him. So today they sit by the lake in silence, Thomas can physically smell Newt next to him. He’s become so familiar with his musky sweet scent, he sometimes forgets it’s not actually Newt with him.

Minho interrupts Thomas' thoughts, "Tomboy, you've been acting strange all day..." He doesn't add that he's worried about him but they both know that he is.

"Just tired that's all," He says with a fake smile.

Minho doesn't want to push it. "Still not sleeping properly?" 

Thomas shakes his head, the Asian nods and leaves after a moment of silence. When he's alone again he lets out a sigh. If only they knew what he did. Minho wouldn't be worrying about him; he wouldn't even care about him.

The messy haired brunette remains sitting by the water with Newt by his side. Their sides are pressed against each other and Thomas can feel his body heat. He'd be sure it was really the blonde if only the others saw him too. He smells like him, sounds like him and feels like him. But he's not the real Newt. Thomas killed the real Newt. This is some kind of ghost, following him as some sort of punishment for what he did. Only he doesn't view it as a 'punishment', it means he doesn't feel alone even if only for a moment he thinks he's with Newt, the blonde he knew before he became a crank. And they can joke and kiss and talk. But then it all comes back to him. It isn't fair that Newt can't move on, that he has to be stuck with Thomas.

"Tommy, I can see that brain of yours working away, what are you thinking about?" The blonde asks taking his hand in his.

A tear travels down Thomas's face. He clears his throat and moves his head so that Newt doesn't see him crying. But Newt can hear it in his voice; he pulls Thomas' head to face him, both hands either side of his face.  

Thomas shakes his head and feels his lips trembling. "How can you just forgive me? I killed you Newt. I killed you, how could I have done that to you?" He's now breathing in sharp breaths and his voice is raspy.

"Tommy, listen to me, you did what I wants you to do. You did what I asked, how could I be angry with you for that?" Newt's thumbs wipe away the tears under Thomas' eyes.

"I wanted to die, Tommy. I didn't want to be a crank." This makes Thomas cry more, Newt pulls his body closer. The brunette buries his head in the crook of Newt's neck.

"I-I'm so sorry- Newt, I'm so sorry," Thomas rambles, his hands grip Newt's shirt tightly. 

"I wish I could make you understand," Newt says rubbing circles on the boys back to calm him.

"I miss you so much," Thomas, mumbles against his neck, the hot puff of air makes Newt squirm.

"I miss you too." Newt says with his eyes becoming filled with tears. "We'll be together again one day Tommy," The blonde tells him kissing his hair.

Thomas nods and wipes at his face, "One day," He repeats taking both of Newt's hands to hold. "One day," He concludes whispering to himself before kissing Newt's knuckles.  

“Come on, Tommy,” Newt says smiling, “Let’s go get ya some breakfast,” 

Thomas groans, “Ugh, I’m not hungry,”

Newt frowns adorably, “I heard your stomach growl not even a minute ago. You just don’t want to face the others, but bloody hell if I’d let you stay out here all day,” Newt says pulling Thomas to stand up. 

The brunette nods rolling his eyes, “Fine.” He grumbles moving towards the kitchen.

They walk together to the kitchen, Minho smiles and nods to Thomas before he sits down next to him. The Asian passes him a plate of food.

Thomas sits with the others as they eat and chat. Todays a relaxing day, so no work, everyone helps to make the meals. He stays there, for Newt, but doesn’t participate in the conversation. It’s all a blur and when his name is mentioned he realizes that he hasn’t been paying any attention. 

He clears his throat, “I have a headache I’m just going to lay down for a bit,” He looks to see that Newt is no longer with him. 

Minho nods with his mouth full, “You look tired go have a sleep,” He pats him on the back and returns his attention to his food.

Thomas walks to his room, so many thoughts race around his mind.

Newt isn’t with him always, when he is he would usually distract him from his thoughts. He’s been his main source of advice, always calling him Tommy and behaving just like the Newt he knew. Just like the Newt he loves.

So of course he’s being haunted, he killed the boy he loved. He doesn’t even know if Newt loved him too, he never got the chance to tell him. After all that he said to him he can’t know for sure. Newt said he hated him. Newt’s ghost says he just said that, that none of it was true, but how can he know for sure?

Why should he have this paradise and second chance while Newt doesn’t? None of it makes any sense.

He goes into his room and shuts his door. He leans against it and lets out a shaky breath. He’s now aware of his tear stained face. He wipes his face with his shirt; he doesn’t deserve to cry, not after what I did. He’s the one who murdered his boyfriend. He shouldn’t be upset he should be repenting, he should tell everyone what he did. They should hate him. He hates himself too. For good reason.

He takes out his journal, its fraying and falling apart but still useable. He opens it to the last page and starts scribbling his jumbled thoughts.

 _I just miss him so much. Why did it have to be him? Why couldn’t it be me? I would take his place in a heartbeat. He deserved so much better. Wicked has destroyed everything I loved. No, actually, it was me. Wicked didn’t kill Newt they just made it so he wasn’t immune. But I was still the one who put the gun to his head, the one who pulled the trigger._

He cries onto the page and tries to wipe it off, it smuges the words. He covers his hands with his face and tries to breath properly. He pulls at his hair and mutters, “I-I’m so sorry. Newt, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I love you, I’m so sorry,” He keeps going until he runs out of breath.

_Newt, will you ever forgive me? I know your ghost says I never needed to be forgiven in the first place but I don’t believe that. After what I did you should hate me._

The pen rips through the paper at his intensity. _Newt should hate him. Newt should despise him._

_I wanted to be strong. I've found a different kind of strength now. The strength to make it so we can be together again._

He scurries under his bed to pull out the gun in a box there. The same gun that he used to kill his lover. He holds it in his hand, he wipes his noise as he sniffles.

_We can finally be together again; I know you’d want me to try to stick out paradise. But shuck it Newt I can’t live without you by my side. The guilt consumes me and I miss you more then anything._

“Oh shuck Newt, I can’t do this anymore. I really can’t,” He cries and rubs at his hair roughly. He can’t stop the tears, they just keep coming.

 _I'm coming to you today; I'm finally going to tell you how much I love you._

He opens the gun to reveal just one bullet. _Just one chance._

 _I love you. I love you so much._

He clicks the barrel shut and turns off the safety.

_I can’t wait to be with you again._

He scribbles as his other hand moves to line the gun to the side of his head. His decision is made, there’s no going back now.

_I_

_Love_

_You,_

_Newt._

He grips the journal close to his chest with one hand as the other pulls the trigger. It all goes black.

Everyone rushes to find the source of the noise; Minho gets to Thomas’ room first. “No- no no no. What did you do?! NO. I can’t loose you too” Minho clutches at Thomas’ body and cries. Another glader comes in after and covers his face and all the blood. Tears well up in his eyes, he moves to tell the others, “Stay out here! All of you shanks stay out here!” He yells and starts to cry he shuts the door and moves to comfort Minho.

“Why would he do this? Why?” Minho asks the quiet room, filled only with sobs.

The other boy wipes at his eyes and rubs Minho’s back trying to offer comfort. “I don’t know,” He spots the journal. He flips through it, his own tears falling onto the page, “But I think this could tell us why,” Minho looks up and takes the notebook in his hands, he starts to cry harder.

He directs Minho out of the room for a breather. Minho picks up a shovel and silently walks off. Nobody follows when Minho leaves the mourning group, he goes further and further and starts digging.

A few of the others go in Thomas’ room and wrap up his body. They do so without speaking.

Everyone decides they won’t go looking for Minho; he needs time alone to process. When he comes back covered in dirt and sweat they understand. He points the shovel at boys who seem to be put together, “Can you help bring him?” He asks, they nod and into move to the room. 

They hold his body in their hands; the stench fills up their noises. Slowly they bring him to the hole Minho has dug. They place him softly into the ditch. “Get the others,” Minho states with empty eyes.

They nod and start to walk back as Minho covers his body with dirt. Once he’s finished he sits and sobs. He’s lost another friend.

He opens the journal and starts to read; as the others make their way to him he has finished reading. Different thoughts travel around in his mind, how could Thomas think he would hate him? Why wouldn’t he tell him about Newt? Why didn’t they both tell him they were together? Did they think he wouldn’t approve? How could they possibly think that? 

Minho makes a decision, which is to read out the journal to everyone, so that they can understand.

When they all return to the grave, they cover it in rocks. Only sobs and sniffling can be heard. 

When they are done he starts to read the journal, they all sit in a circle around Thomas’ grave. By the end of the journal everyone’s face is wet with tears, but they all somewhat get what Thomas was going through. How could they be mad at him for wanting to be with the one he loves?

_Newt is sad to see his Tommy so soon. “I missed you,” Thomas says bringing Newt into his arms. He inhales his familiar scent. “I missed you too Tommy,” Newt says running his fingers through his hair._

_“Is it really you?” Thomas asks disbelievingly. Newt pulls him into a sweet kiss, their tongues press together causing them both to gasp. They kiss for what feels like an eternity._

_“It’s really me.” Newt says pulling their lips apart. He chuckles at Thomas’ pout. He pecks his lips softly, “And it’s definitely you.”_

_Newt takes Thomas’ face in his hands so that they look at each other properly. “I love you, I always have,” The raven-haired boy’s voice breaks and a tear travels down his face._

_“I love you too.” Thomas says wiping his tears away with his thumbs. “We can be together forever now, blondie,” The brunette grins._

_Newt pulls him closer and buries his face into the crook of his neck. Thomas runs his hands down Newt’s back._

_They break apart and walk hand in hand into the forest. As they walk all the sadness fades and all they’re left with is happiness. Finally they age together again._


	2. Tommy's Journal Entries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of his journal entries.

I met Newt today. He's the second-in-command. I could see he has a limp. His smile made me feel not so alone. I couldn't take my eyes off him, Alby practically had to drag me away. But I saw Newt looking back at me too.

He showed me around, we talked like we've known each other for years. Our bodies were so close I could feel his warmth. Newt's light touches on my arm and him guiding me with his hand on my back made me feel tingly.

Newt took me to sit by a log and we talked for hours. He said it could be our place now. I tried some of Gally's drink and it tasted disgusting. Newt's grin at my reaction made it worth it though.

The corners of Newt's eyes crinkle when he smiles. I never thought something as simple as that would make me feel the way it does.

His smile gives me butterflies.

I haven't seen any of the other gladers as close as me and Newt are. Our arms and thighs pressed against each other. I lean into the warmth of Newt's side and he just smiles at me. Our fingers brush against each other, I have the urge to hold his hand but I don't.

I haven’t seen Newt around lately, something seems off. Minho told me he has days like this sometimes, that he just needs space. I really just want to wrap him up in my arms and fix it. But I can't. 

I love it when Newt calls me 'Tommy'. He told off another glader today for saying it. It bothered me too since only Newt calls me that. He blushed when the other glader looked confused and walked off. 

He put his arm around my shoulder today when we sat by our place at the log. I'm still not sure if he realised or if he did it without giving it much thought. I hope it was because he wanted me to be closer to him. That thought is what made my cheeks heat up and my words stumble together. Newt told me I'm adorable. I think he's the adorable one.

How can he be so pretty? 

Newt always sits next to me at dinner. It can be distracting, watching him eat. Does he eat that way on purpose? He caught me watching him and he smirked. I'm sure now that he's doing it on purpose.

I want to kiss the smirk off his face.

I think Minho knows I like Newt. Probably from the amount of times I zone out watching him. Or from talking about Newt to Minho often. I can't help it. I don't know how everyone can function around him. 

When I'm in the maze, all I look forward to is Newt waiting there. He’s always there smiling and greeting me and the other runners of course too. But we always find each other first. I find myself always searching for his face once I'm back through the doors.

He asked me how my day was going. I asked him the same thing; he looked tired and pale today. He started crying. We sat at our spot and I held him, it wasn't weird for either of us. Newt thanked me for not asking a lot of questions and just listening. I think Newt has these bad days often, I told him I'll always be there if he wants to talk or a cuddle. He hit my shoulder lightly; I think he thought I was joking about the cuddling. I definitely wasn't joking.

I could see him in the gardens; his golden hair shines in the sun. I don't know why but I think Newt would look great with a flower crown. Maybe one day I'll make one for him.

I feel so drawn to him, to physically be near him. To listen to him say Tommy in that way that makes me sure he feels it too. Whenever I make him smile I can't stop the grin that makes it way to my face. He's beautiful, I know he doesn't think that he is, but I'm sure of it. I may not remember before the glade but I swear nobody could make me feel how watching him smile and pushing me fondly does. It makes my insides melt. 

I found myself looking at his mouth today. Wondering how it would feel to press my lips against his. When I looked back up to his eyes, Newt was licking his lips and looking at my mouth. Then Minho came over and Newt grumbled goodbye with his face red and left. I wanted to tell him not to go but I didn't. Minho looked at my curiously and I walked off to go to bed.

We kissed. We were walking alone our arms touching, Newt stopped to look around. The next thing I know I was being pushed against a tree. Newt was watching me; I could see that he was waiting to see if he scared me. But he didn't. I pulled him by his shirt and kissed him slowly. I could feel butterflies in my stomach. Newt kissed me back and I could feel he's wanted to do this for as long as I have. We stood their bodies touching and kissing for a long time. Exploring each other’s mouths and going from slow to fast kisses, desperate to savoring. It was amazing. When we walked back I couldn't stop smiling, when I looked over Newt was grinning at me with a blush.

His lips taste like strawberries and sunshine that’s the only way I can describe it.

Newt called me his boyfriend today. I haven’t stopped smiling all day. 

Newt loves running his hands through my hair. We both left the glade last night when the others were sleeping and went into the woods. We laid down our sleeping bags and kissed for a long time, then I lay against Newt’s chest, he ran his fingers through my hair over and over again.

I keep catching him looking at me and he keeps catching me watching him.  
He worries about me when I'm in the maze. I don't want him to worry but it does make me giddy the way the looks at me everyone I return. His 'welcome back' secret touches have become heated. We sneak off into the woods and kiss and rut up against each other. When I took his shirt off I happily found out how sensitive he is to my touch. Especially when I pinch his nipples softly. With sounds he makes I'm surprised I didn't come right there and then.

As he moves around the glade his hair shimmers in the sun. When he works in the garden, he often gets sweaty, and it's very distracting. This time he caught me checking him out as he was bending over. I looked away quickly. When I looked back he smirked at me and titled his head in direction of the woods. I walked down and he followed, we made out lying on the grass. 

I wonder if I’ve ever felt like this before. Or if I liked boys before the glade, all I know is I haven’t missed girls. Not like the other gladers.

I squeezed his butt today when I was sure nobody was looking. The little squeak and jump he made drew Minho's attention. He was oblivious, Newt tried to cover it up with a cough. I could see the blush over his face though, he tried to glare at me but obviously wasn't mad. 

It's so alluring when he crosses his arms and tries to look angry. I probably shouldn't enjoy it so much when he's bossy. 

Well, he kissed me on the corner of my mouth today before I went into the maze. Luckily nobody was paying attention. I couldn't stop grinning, Minho was giving we weird looks. I wish they had seen. 

I think I’m Newt-sexual.

Newt's jealous over Teresa, he won't admit it but I know he is. 

I spoke with Teresa today and Newt waited to drag me away into one of the huts. He kissed me frantically, I told him I didn't want her, but he didn't believe me. I showed him that he's the only one I want. I got down on my knees and sucked marks above his hips. Only I will be able to see them. I sucked him off, he barely managed to stay quiet, we didn't want someone barging in and interrupting. 

I kissed along his neck, bringing all kinds of noises out of him. His blush showed his embarrassment, it only deepened when I told him how much I love listening to the soft moans he makes.

Newt told me today that he's pretty sure that he's gay. He definitely hasn't had any issues being surrounded by shirtless sweaty boys he said. I realized what I felt when he told me this was jealousy. Newt must've known this because he whispered in my ear, "But you're the only one I've ever wanted to kiss Tommy," and kissed down my neck. The kisses went lower and lower, I'm sure his mouth is magical. 

Teresa tried to kiss me today. I told her I didn't think of her in that way. I said sorry, she seemed upset but told me it was okay. I'm not sure if I should tell Newt, I don't know how he'll react.

I can't wait until everything settles down so we don't have to hide our feelings. I know how much we're both looking forward to it.

I told Newt about Teresa trying to kiss me. He was angry with her. I could see how jealous he is. I honestly like seeing him acting possessively. He told me we should tell everyone we're together soon, when things smooth out in the glade. I'm looking forward to being with Newt without barriers. 

Newt sucked marks onto me too, only the places he would be able to see them. He told me that he's the only one who can see me like this all 'hot, bothered and wanting'. 

I thought Minho smirked at me knowingly today when a shirtless Newt distracted me. He must realise I'm attracted to him, if he knows about us being together or not I don't know.

He's just so damn gorgeous. He likes it when I call him 'blondie'. 

Sometimes we just sit by our log and don't talk. But it's never awkward. The silence is comfortable. We both just enjoy each other’s company. Often we hold hands, it makes me almost forget where we are.

I spoke to Newt; we won't tell anyone about our relationship until we're all safe. We both don't want to rub our little bit of happiness into their faces. Not when all I see in the boy’s eyes are sadness and fear. We have to make it through this.

He smiles against my lips today, which made me smile too. We stopped kissing and started giggling together.

I'm wondering what it would be like with Newt outside of the glade. Could I take him on a proper date? Could we tell our friends about our relationship? Would we kiss and hold hands in public? Would we live together? I have so many what ifs going around in my mind. 

The doors won’t shut. Something is very wrong. Gally thinks I am to blame. Teresa and I did this to them, Newt says that doesn’t matter. What matters is what we do now.

Nobody knows what’s happening. The doors wouldn't shut. The grievers came and gladers were killed.

After what happened last night we're leaving the maze. Gally and a few others are staying. He's too stubborn to leave. Newt is worried, everyone is, and so am I. I probably won't be writing for a while. 

Chuck's dead. He didn't deserve any of this. HOW CAN WICKED JUSTIFY THIS ALL? 

I don’t know whom to trust anymore. The only people I can rely on are Minho and Newt.

So much is happening, too much to write down.

I need sleep. We all do.

Newt isn't immune, he's acting like everything’s okay but I know he's falling apart. I just want to hold him and tell him everything will be okay. But I can't promise that. Too much is happening.

I can tell Newt is acting unusual. It's the flare. I'm so scared. We need a cure. I can't loose him too.

I don’t want my memories back; all I want is for Newt to be okay and to go back to the start. To try and change how things went if that’s even possible.

Newt isn't being himself, it's getting worse. Minho is scared for Newt too. He doesn't want his best friend to become a crank. 

We haven’t had much time alone together. But we always walk next to each other, our sides flush together.

I love him. I love him. I love Newt. He's been taken from the ship and he left a note. All I want is to tell him how much I love him.

He wouldn't go with us. He wouldn't listen. I don’t understand why he would stay with those cranks? He isn’t safe there. I don't know what to do.

I found him and I lost him in one day. I killed him. I killed Newt. I killed the boy I love. What's wrong with me? Did he really mean those things he said? How can I tell the others? 

I never got to tell him I love him.

Why do I deserve to live after what I did to Newt?

Why wasn't he immune?

How can everyone start fresh like nothing ever happened? NEWTS DEAD. I'm never going to be okay.

I saw Newt today. He stays with me now. His ghost is haunting me, because I killed the boy that I loved. His ghost doesn't look like a crank; he looks like Newt did in the glade. He told me he didn't mean those things he said. Newt said he never hated me. He thanked me for killing him, said it's what he wanted.

My nightmares are just getting worse. I keep reliving shooting him. I'm barely sleeping, too scared to fall asleep because I know I'll just dream of him again.

Minho told me he's worried about me. If only he knew the truth. He'd hate me, they all would.

Newt's ghost is a constant reminder of what I did. Sometimes I talk to him. A lot of the time I cry and apologise over and over. He always listens. He always gives me advice and calls me Tommy. Even his ghost is a better person than I am.

The flashbacks are so vivid, it’s like I relive it. All the smells, feelings, it all comes back in a rush. I try to ground myself, to remind myself where I am but it’s so hard. Part of me wishes I could forget what I did, but I don’t deserve that. I must be reminded of the horrible mistake I made, so that I never do anything like it again. So I never forget that I killed you Newt, I killed you. I killed. I killed you. How could I do such a horrible thing?

Newt told me he misses me today. I miss him too. I miss him so much.

I don't know how much longer I can live with this guilt.

I just want to be able to hold him again, to be able to kiss him and tell him I love him. 

How can everyone just keep living their lives? After everything? How am I the only one who feels this weight on their chest? Who feels like they're drowning?

I can't do this anymore.

WHY? I just need to know why? Why this? Why now? Why us? Why did it have to end like this? Just WHY?

Newt, I miss you too much, we will be together again soon.

I feel a great emptiness in my chest, it’s pulling me down. Nobody can see how I feel, if I would they’d be scared. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m questioning all my choices and every act I’ve committed. It’s all too much.

This wasn’t how things we suppose to go. We should have escaped the maze, started a new life without all the burdens we held.

All I wanted was to be with Newt, I know our friends would have been happy for us. Maybe shocked at first, but happy. We could’ve lived together, be together properly without having to worry about being seen. We could just be us, be together carefree and content.

I just miss him so much. Why did it have to be him? Why couldn’t it be me? I would take his place in a heartbeat. He deserved so much better. Wicked has destroyed everything I loved. No, actually, it was me. Wicked didn’t kill Newt they just made it so he wasn’t immune. But I was still the one who put the gun to his head, the one who pulled the trigger.

Newt, will you ever forgive me? I know your ghost says I never needed to be forgiven in the first place but I don’t believe that. After what I did you should hate me.

I wanted to be strong. I've found a different kind of strength now. The strength to make it so we can be together again.

We can finally be together again; I know you’d want me to try to stick out paradise. But shuck it Newt I can’t live without you by my side. The guilt consumes me and I miss you more then anything.

I'm coming to you today; I'm finally going to tell you how much I love you.

I love you. I love you so much.

I can’t wait to be with you again.

I  
Love  
You,  
Newt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, please leave feedback/kudos!  
> If you like this you should check out my other work.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, please leave feedback!  
> If you like this you should check out my other works.


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